Why I Left

I have been procrastinating writing this post for far too long. I don’t know if I am worried I won’t explain my reasons for leaving the LDS church well enough or that I’ll offend someone inadvertently. I really hope I’m able to explain my decision clearly, because so many small things have led me to where I’m at and I’m trying to remember it all.

I consciously undertook this journey at the beginning of this year, however my subconscious had been prepared for quite awhile before that. The first time I went to the LDS temple to receive my endowment was in 2006. I was caught off guard by the ceremony, to say the least. It was a very spiritual experience for me because I was committing to live a clean life and was leaving my sins in the past. However, the rituals performed in the ceremony were not in line with what I had been raised to understand the church stood for. It was unsettling but I thought I needed to keep going and so I did, eventually getting used to it and accepting it as part of my salvation. I know I’m not the only member who has felt this way, most people I have talked to about it said they were uncomfortable at first with the temple. It is a beautiful and very serene place to go if you want to get close to God and feel you are shutting out the outside world. However, I never really felt at peace with any of the ordinances or rituals performed there. In fact, I don’t feel comfortable with any type of group religious rituals. I have always felt the best prayers were my own, said in the privacy of my room by myself. That is when I feel most connected to God, and also when I am studying the scriptures.

The term “cognitive dissonance” has come up several times and from several sources throughout my journey. Cognitive dissonance is the mental stress caused by holding two opposing beliefs at the same time, or when a person’s beliefs are contradicted by new information or logic. We humans like to keep things harmonious in our minds so we tend to eliminate contradictory beliefs and reinforce our beliefs through rationalization. The deeper held a belief is, the more we want to protect it from opposing viewpoints. Therefore, a long held set of religious beliefs that have been a huge part of someone’s identity would be hard to change or even question. It’s easier for us to stick with what we know, it’s safer. When I was finally able to recognize I was limiting myself by staying stuck in a spirit of religion/false sense of security is when I was able to begin the process of confronting my own beliefs. Many of my personal beliefs have been firmly cemented by examining them, such as my belief in Jesus Christ, the Atonement, and a loving God who knows each of us personally. Others of my once held beliefs have been examined and discarded, such as a belief that temple ordinances are necessary for salvation or that families can be forever. There is no scriptural basis for either of those beliefs. In fact, Jesus makes it very clear in Matthew 22 that nobody will be married in the next life.

Here is where cognitive dissonance comes into play in my story. Try telling a God fearing Christian like myself that they don’t really know Jesus. They will give you all kinds of examples of what they have done to prove themself to God or personality traits that show Christ-like behavior. I know that’s what I did when I was confronted about this by a dear friend. Realizing that you know about Jesus but you don’t really know Him personally is incredibly hard to admit. You feel like an imposter, a phony, a hypocrite. The first step in finding God and having a true relationship with Him is admitting that maybe you’re not quite as close to Him as you thought you were. Once you can get past your own pride and admit you need to know God better, you are already on your way. If that leads you back to the church and beliefs that you already hold, that is your personal journey and who am I to judge it? My journey has taken me so much closer to my Savior than I ever was following church rules. I am a baby in my journey but I am looking forward to growing up in my relationship with God. I think the whole reason God prompted me to start this blog was to encourage others to search for that personal relationship with Him too. I can explain better in later posts exactly what I have been doing and the many people who have helped me along my path.

Resting on your laurels is not the way to find God, but I didn’t even realize that’s what I had been doing my whole life. This is not a slam on any particular religion, they all offer a false sense of security. Churches are just a particular group’s interpretation of the way to reach God. They are great at breaking up the gospel into a handy To Do list, which is what most people in their laziness (myself included) want. Hey, here’s a roadmap back to God…do X, Y and Z and you’ll be saved, God will accept you and you will go to heaven when you die. Great, I’ll take it, sign me up! Who doesn’t want guaranteed salvation? The problem is, there is no guarantee based on completing a certain number of steps or following a set of rules. I can’t even really say there is a roadmap because then I’d be claiming to be the Judge which only God Himself is. Every individual’s journey is their own, that is something I am learning.

Realizing that there is no set of steps to take and rules to follow is scary, it certainly was hard for me to accept at first. The greatest draw the LDS church has is its set of steps to complete to return to Heavenly Father with a promise of eternal life with your family. The church gives hope to people who are trying to find meaning in their existence. Members become part of something bigger than themselves and find a community of like-minded people who are all trying to stay on the same path. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. LDS people are some of the kindest, most generous and earnest people you’ll ever find. But can you see how easy it might be to get so indoctrinated in the culture and way of life that you kind of lose sight of the forest for the trees? It becomes more about focusing on “what I need to do” and “what the church says” then about finding God for yourself, truly knowing Him.

I really thought that by attending church weekly, contributing meaningful comments in Sunday School, completing my church assignments faithfully, paying my tithing, keeping the Word of Wisdom (LDS health code for those of you unfamiliar), holding a temple recommend and attending the temple regularly, supporting my child in church activities and associating with other like-minded members, that I was on the straight and narrow path back to God. What was missing were the two things that are most important in anyone’s spiritual journey…studying the Bible and having a personal relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I will explain the personal relationship with Christ in another post because it is the most important thing we should be seeking here in this life. For now let me say I always thought I had one because I didn’t really understand what it entailed. When I became aware that I didn’t have that relationship, I realized I had been leaning on the church as a crutch and it was time to stand on my own two feet. Once I started examining what my own path would look like I realized it didn’t involve rituals or ordinances, proving myself worthy by what I did or how often I attended church, rather a close relationship with and understanding of God. And that is why I left.